What To Do If: An 8 Step Tutorial

What to do if your three year old comes prancing gleefully down the stairs beaming, covered head to toe in the entire contents of your makeup bag.

Step 1: Walk quickly out of the room to gather yourself and get a grip on the surge of rage charging through your being

(I mean, you knew she was capable of such things, but still, somehow, some way, you find yourself surprised again and again at the catastrophes she masterminds)

Step 2: Come slowly back to the room to hear her say, "Don't I look beautiful, Mom?"

At which point your red face slowly turns back to pink and you (might) chuckle at the display before your eyes. It's a sight to see after all:

That rose colored bod and those mid 90s Brooke Shields brows.

wow.

You take pictures because, as mad as you are right now, you're going to want to remember this one.

Step 3: March her little fanny right upstairs and throw(help) her in the tub.

Fill the bath with less than comfortable waters (because THIS is not a fun bath) and commence scrubbing. At first realization that there is no way this stuff is coming off without a fight, head back downstairs for the grease fighting dish soap that is Dawn Dish Detergent and proceed to scrub. And scrub. And scrub. And scrub.

Step 4: It's out of the tub with her and into a towel, tears and all.

Once again, you pull out the camera to capture the aftermath that is the shame ridden face and the rose-tinted bath waters. You're trying to speak sternly because, this is no joking matter. (If you find yourself feeling very confused emotionally at this step, that's normal. Laughing hysterically, crying, feeling the need to stab yourself in the arm- all acceptable forms of emotion for such an occasion).

Step 5: Dress the offender.

Send her to her quarters with a light spank on the buns and a good talkin' to. (this could be replaced with other things such as: sending to the corner, a slightly harder spank to the bare buns, a toss out the window... whatever you and yours have come up with.)

Step 6: Asses the damage.

Peering meekly into the room in which the crime took place, you behold the destruction.

It's medium to heavy.

Tubes of oil-based cover-up and foundation coated and squeezed to the last drop, the last of the bronzing beads each broken and embedded strategically into the carpet, mascara carcass lying about with hair entangled in its semi-dried out wand, blush- obliterated.

(Deep breaths are helpful and may become necessary during assessment).

Step 7: You're almost finished (and so is your precious afternoon).

After closely capturing on film and surveying the damages, you make a list of the new makeup you will be in need of purchasing. Then you take the remains to the sink and commence scrubbing once again. As for the carpet where the dead makeup lay: make a mental note to buy a better stain remover (because chances are, you're going to need it in the future)

Step 8: Retrieve the perpetrator from punishment.

A kiss and a hug and an "I'm sorry" can go a long way. And if you've learned anything here today, it's patience. Patience and love for your little human that is begging (sometimes non-stop) to be disciplined and taught. Give yourself a pat on the back, because you just dealt with one (unscheduled for) doozie of an afternoon.

You survived!

Better yet, she survived and still loves you.

And best of all you learned that you ARE capable of being patient given you've had the right amount of practice. And lets face it, you've had plenty of practice.

That, and you need to find a higher, harder-to-reach spot for your new makeup.