Wednesday, February 17, 2010

What To Do If: An 8 Step Tutorial

What to do if your three year old comes prancing gleefully down the stairs beaming, covered head to toe in the entire contents of your makeup bag.

Step 1: Walk quickly out of the room to gather yourself and get a grip on the surge of rage charging through your being
(I mean, you knew she was capable of such things, but still, somehow, some way, you find yourself surprised again and again at the catastrophes she masterminds)

Step 2: Come slowly back to the room to hear her say, "Don't I look beautiful, Mom?"
At which point your red face slowly turns back to pink and you (might) chuckle at the display before your eyes. It's a sight to see after all:

That rose colored bod and those mid 90s Brooke Shields brows.


You take pictures because, as mad as you are right now, you're going to want to remember this one.

Step 3: March her little fanny right upstairs and throw(help) her in the tub.
Fill the bath with less than comfortable waters (because THIS is not a fun bath) and commence scrubbing. At first realization that there is no way this stuff is coming off without a fight, head back downstairs for the grease fighting dish soap that is Dawn Dish Detergent and proceed to scrub. And scrub. And scrub. And scrub.

Step 4: It's out of the tub with her and into a towel, tears and all.
Once again, you pull out the camera to capture the aftermath that is the shame ridden face and the rose-tinted bath waters. You're trying to speak sternly because, this is no joking matter. (If you find yourself feeling very confused emotionally at this step, that's normal. Laughing hysterically, crying, feeling the need to stab yourself in the arm- all acceptable forms of emotion for such an occasion).

Step 5: Dress the offender.
Send her to her quarters with a light spank on the buns and a good talkin' to. (this could be replaced with other things such as: sending to the corner, a slightly harder spank to the bare buns, a toss out the window... whatever you and yours have come up with.)

Step 6: Asses the damage.
Peering meekly into the room in which the crime took place, you behold the destruction.
It's medium to heavy.
Tubes of oil-based cover-up and foundation coated and squeezed to the last drop, the last of the bronzing beads each broken and embedded strategically into the carpet, mascara carcass lying about with hair entangled in its semi-dried out wand, blush- obliterated.
(Deep breaths are helpful and may become necessary during assessment).

Step 7: You're almost finished (and so is your precious afternoon).
After closely capturing on film and surveying the damages, you make a list of the new makeup you will be in need of purchasing. Then you take the remains to the sink and commence scrubbing once again. As for the carpet where the dead makeup lay: make a mental note to buy a better stain remover (because chances are, you're going to need it in the future)

Step 8: Retrieve the perpetrator from punishment.
A kiss and a hug and an "I'm sorry" can go a long way. And if you've learned anything here today, it's patience. Patience and love for your little human that is begging (sometimes non-stop) to be disciplined and taught. Give yourself a pat on the back, because you just dealt with one (unscheduled for) doozie of an afternoon.
You survived!
Better yet, she survived and still loves you.
And best of all you learned that you ARE capable of being patient given you've had the right amount of practice. And lets face it, you've had plenty of practice.

That, and you need to find a higher, harder-to-reach spot for your new makeup.


Babajuje said...

I think the Mary Kay lady put her up to this. You just wouldn't listen and buy all that new makeup. So, Lena, being the co-conspirator that she is, made sure that you make that big purchase to help Molly make her quota this month. I am dyin' ova' here! There will never be a dull moment with Lena in the picture!

Kera said...

o.m.g. she looks like a cave woman.

Donsher said...

Cute!! She wants to be beautiful like mommy!! Sorry bout the carpet..Major bummer!

abby said...

i have no words.

Nisha said...

OH. MY. GOSH. How long did it take her to do that? I think the eyebrows are just hilarious, but the rest, oh, I'd be fuming and cracking up at the same time. Hopefully my daughter learned a lesson from this as we looked in amazement together saying, Oh, she's naughty. That was a bad decision.

April said...

Lena, Lena, Lena...She certainly keeps you on your toes, or your knees (scrubbing the carpet). A friend with 7 grown children assures me that kids get all of their "rottenness" out at one time. They will only be difficult at one stage: infants, toddlers, kids, tweens or teenagers. So, if my friend is right you can look forward to her teenage years being easy, right?

Corinne said...

I think I just peed my pants laughing! Hilarious!

Beach Hendersons said...

Poor thing. I don't think I've ever seen a more pitiful face than the one after her "not fun" bath. Besides you learning that you are a very patient person....know this. This pinkish beauty would do anything to be like her mama...yes even put herself through a light spank on the bootie and a very uncomfortable scrubbing.;

k1 said...

I must say, Lena is thorough.

And yeah, a medicine cabinet with a big fat padlock. I might be looking into one of those myself if L1 keeps eating the toothpaste.

Hoesli's said...

It's carzy how much she looks like you Kelly. And for some reason I can see you doing this or something of the sort when you were little. But of course I would have been right there helping!! Man that girl is brave!

Hoesli's said... know I meant crazy! not carzy, maybe I should read over what I type before I send it? Hmmmm maybe!

Deborah said...

She and Annabel could be twins separated at birth, by 8 years. You seem to be much calmer and kinder dealing with these moments than I ever was. Breathe deeply and try to enjoy your ride.

Amy said...

All I can say is, "Wow".

Molly said...

I giggled. And felt your pain. I know it's evil, nasty stuff, but Spot Shot is AMAZING at the removal of grunge and funk from carpeting...

Amanda said...

I sure hope that I don't find Ethan like this in a couple years. I love the private cover-ups. Very appropriate. And who knew that mascara was such a good way to tint your eyebrows? Thanks Lena for that makeup tip!

Angie R said...

HA! This post roused a much needed laugh from me!! LOL...Once the carpet is cleaned and stain remover very liberally applied...I am hoping it does the trick. She surely keeps you on your toes!!!! :)

kelly said...

Impressive-at least she put on the make up in places that make sense :)Awesome photo journal of the ordeal

Kendrabelle Logan said...

Aw, haha! That's adorable. Sorry about the wasted makeup and your carpet, though.


Rebekah V. said...

OH MY GOSH. I have dropped off the planet and missed some really good ones!

brittany barney said...

just found your blog and am in love already. i can not believe this. you have such a good perspective and great way of dealing with things. wow. the girl knows how to use her makeup.

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